The role that shame plays in our mental health.

Shame is an emotion that every human experiences. It's that intensely painful fear that if someone sees those imperfect, unwanted parts of us, that they will no longer respect us, love us, or even want to be part of our lives. Shame, by definition, is the fear of disconnection. When someone makes a mistake that hurts someone else, it is common for that person to say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake," and try their best to make things right. When someone makes a mistake and is experiencing the emotion of shame, they will think to themselves, "I AM a mistake" and "I don't deserve love and connection".

As human beings we are biologically wired for connection. It is that connection with others that brings meaning to our lives, shapes our goals, and motivates our actions each day. When shame creeps into our lives, it can have a negative impact on not only our mental health, but in our relationships with others. Shame is the message that we are inherently flawed and therefore unworthy of connection and belonging. Shame is directly corelated with depression, anxiety, suicide, addiction, eating disorders, self-harming, and perfectionism. When one is experiencing deep shame, the natural reaction is to turn to one of these unhealthy behaviors as a way to cope with or even hide that shame.

Where does shame come from? As long as human connection is valuable to us, we will most certainly continue to experience shame, or fear losing that connection. However, some individuals may experience deeper shame and struggle to be resilient to it for several reasons. Often, significant or even traumatic experiences in our past can create unhealthy, negative beliefs about ourselves or others. These beliefs are called "negative core beliefs" which have been unknowingly reinforced over time. If we grew up believing we are failures, defective, unlovable, or not good enough, these deeply help beliefs will fuel that sense of shame throughout our lives, making it very difficult for us to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others.

Another reason one might struggle with shame more than others is the lack of skills about how to deal with the emotion of shame. When in shame, most people tend to isolate and disconnect from others. They hide in shame, keep secrets, and act out in ways that most likely will make the shame worse. Sometimes people in shame will people please, do their best to appease others, and overthink every interaction because they are afraid that others will disconnect from them if they see them as inferior. Another common, unhealthy reaction to shame, is to use anger and aggression to hide the shame one is feeling. Unfortunately, we often use this form of coping with shame with those we love the most, potentially causing deep hurts in our relationships.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy or ART, is designed to help heal unhealthy ways of thinking about ourselves. It gives us a healing pathway to rewrite those unhealthy core beliefs that contribute to the shame we experience every day. ART will not make one shame resistant, but it will help in creating a deeper sense of self-acceptance and self-love, making the emotion of shame easier to understand and be resilient to. Reach out today to find out how ART can help you!

Reach out!